I like watching people make pottery. I’ve never actually done it myself, but there is something mesmerizing about watching someone create an intricate shape from a blob of mud (see, Tortus-Copenhagen). The clay spins atop a wheel and endures struggle from the pressure of the potter’s hands, which allows its shape to change. It shifts by shrinking and growing and ultimately it becomes a beautiful design.

People are similar to pottery in many ways. We shrink and grow, and our struggles lend us experiences that make us beautiful. But we are inherently different because we do not arrive at a final destination as a transformed masterpiece. We are ever growing, ever changing beings with beating hearts and feelings. We are not beautiful because we transform into something, we are beautiful because we are always transforming.

When we share parts of ourselves on social media, we usually display ourselves like a finished piece of pottery. We typically leave out the parts about struggle and failure. This way of sharing does make sense because we generally want to feel good and share good feelings. It’s just not entirely realistic. Everybody struggles. Everybody fails. So sharing only our successes is problematic because it creates a breeding ground for unnecessary and painful comparing.

Social media more than any other platform allows us to compare our insides to others outsides. We see an image on a screen. A momentary snap shot. And then we create stories in our minds about how they got to be that way, imagining and fantasizing it was a better road than ours. We push ourselves down by doing this because we mentally discard the possibility that they too have struggled or are currently struggling.

            Here are some examples...

What you see: I graduated college! I am so grateful for my friends and family who have supported me on this journey and excited to see what lies on the road ahead!

Reality: I failed math and had to retake it over the summer in order to graduate. I also have no idea what career path to follow and am nervous that I have not yet found a job.

What you see: I am so excited to officially announce my new promotion at work!

Reality: My boss has treated me terribly for years in a job for which I was over qualified and I didn’t think I would ever move forward. I’m probably still not getting paid fairly.

What you see: We had a baby and are so in love with our bundle of joy!

Reality: We struggled with infertility and have spent his college savings fund on creating him.

It’s time to stop comparing our entire beings to one moment on a still frame. You will never be that person on the screen. And that person will never be you. Comparing does not lift you up. It does not strengthen you. You are a handcrafted piece of art, not a machine made object. The treasure of owning a piece of handmade pottery is the knowing that your item is unique. . Knowing that it is impossible for someone else to have what you own. We need to create space to share freely while embracing ourselves (and others!) wholly. 

When you choose to look inward instead of comparing, you will allow yourself an opportunity to truly learn about YOU. From that place you can truly grow, and become the person you want to be, not the person you feel others think you should be.

If you are interested in doing this work, in bravely looking inward and seeing how you might grow with help and support, reach out. I am here to help. Let's see what kind of work we can achieve together. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203.273.5950 or email me at amanda@amandajablon.com.

Amanda Jablon, MSW, ACSW, is an associate clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles, supervised by Ken Howard, LCSW, #LCS18290. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.