When you ask people what they want out of life, most people will say they "just want to be happy." I often hear this baleful lament from people who believe happiness is some magical land where one deserves to arrive after a lifetime of continuous sadness and struggle. I don't think there is necessarily only one way to be happy, but certainly this sentiment is not it.

Of course, I have deeply-felt opinions about the origins of happiness, but before I bestow such wisdom, there are a few things we need to be clear about:

A.     Happiness is a feeling, and like all feelings, it is temporary. Therefore “being happy” does not mean being happy all the time. It means being happy more than you are sad, or angry, or disappointed, or worried. It also means being able to get back to feeling happy pretty quickly after something bad happens. When people are coping with depression or anxiety, the goal is not to be happy all the time, but to have reasonable symptom management so one can function at work and at home.

 B.     We are creatures of habit, and our beliefs about the ways of the world are nothing more than habits deeply -- deeply! -- engrained in our psyche. If you want to see different results, you have to be willing to (even if only momentarily) let go of what you think to be true. When I do cognitive therapy with my clients, part of the work is identifying thoughts and beliefs that don't really serve you -- and then changing them. It's a process, but the overall effects are great.

Keep these tenets in mind as we continue: 

First, raise your hand if you were taught you the following life lesson: "Work hard, be successful (AKA make more money than your parents), and you will be happy."

Now, raise your hand if that formula has actually worked for you. Take a good, hard look at who taught you that lesson. What are those people like? Are they happy? Are they successful? Maybe they are. But perhaps they are not. Generally, you want to take advice and guidance from people who have what you want, and let them guide you as behavioral models on how to get it, too. 

Most people will continue to follow the formula of busting their bottoms for most of their lives, accumulating high blood pressure, heart diseases, ulcers, cancer, a divorce here and a breakdown there, and other issues, never truly finding happiness. People get confused as to why they are not happy because they have been doing all the right things. Well, what if the things you were taught were wrong?

Here is my proposal for a new formula of happiness:

Do the things you want to do. Be with the people you love. Express gratitude. Accept what is. That's where you will find happiness.

Can life really be this simple? I believe so. But we humans we like to complicate things. So let me expand on these ideas a bit more: 

1.     Do the things you want to do, regardless if they make sense or not. For most of us, this is a very tall wall to climb. Perhaps we think we are not "deserving" of doing the things we want. Or maybe we are afraid that if we do the things we want, we will not be successful. These "reasons" are really just bullshit that we tell ourselves so that we don't have to be vulnerable and take big scary risks, where we might possibly fail, or even worse, succeed!

We hide behind this bullshit under the guise of terms like: rationality, responsibility, and being a grown up, because in a way, it's comfortable and safe. But at the end of the road, you will have only fooled yourself.

If you want to be happy, stop making short-term choices that don't match up with your long-term goals. What's the point of buying cookies if you want to lose weight? Or taking another job in sales when you ultimately want to be an architect?  If you really want to be an architect, take the time to interview some architects and ask them the best way to become one. You'll be surprised how much people will help you with your goals if you just ask them. Practice what Jack Canfield calls "reverse paranoia" -- that most people are really out to help you as best they can. Then, when it's your turn to help someone younger or new, you give back then. It's great karma. 

Maybe your family and friends don’t understand or support you. That truly is unfortunate, and I feel for you. But recognize that listening to them, instead of yourself, is, in fact, keeping you stuck in the sludge of despair. Apply critical thinking to what you hear, and ask yourself if you really want to take that in, and believe it, or do you want to leave it at the door. You don't have to sign for every package of negative messages that gets delivered to your mind. 

Also, stop sacrificing yourself for other people. Your martyrdom is not helping your well being, nor does it help your relationships with others. If you want to do volunteer work or something else that brings an altruistic, intrinsic reward, go for it. But self-sacrifice where you are always putting yourself last can't be sustained, and just leads to resentment. Like they tell you in that safety video on airplanes, put your oxygen mask on first -- then help others.

2.     When you love someone, it’s not that you love that person, it’s that you love who you are when you are with that person, and what that person evokes in you. Think about how you feel about yourself when you are with your best friend, your partner, your family, your coworkers. Do you find that you are someone who spends a lot of time with people who make you feel like crap? It is normal to have obligatory relationships. Like, you don’t get along very well with your father, but he’s getting old, and family is important to you. But they say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. And if the average is not lifting you up, it's time to do some weeding. Again, being a martyr is not cute. Actively seek out and spend time with people who inspire, educate, motivate, and support you.

3.      Be grateful for what you have, not what you don't have. Let go of comparing. It is a dead-end street. Stop thinking life owes you something. People who are happy know that thinking you deserve something, with no real action, does not equate getting that thing. So let go of these faulty thinking patterns and just say thank you for the parts of your life that already exist. Accept what is real. The thing about living in gratitude is that the more you take notice of things you are grateful for, mysteriously, you find more to be grateful for. Make a gratitude list in your mind anywhere -- stuck in traffic, waiting for an elevator, meditating, or having your teeth cleaned.  This exercise is a mood-booster that is both free and rejuvenating. When you accept and appreciate what is, rather than wish for what is not, you will be amazed how quickly things begin to move forward.

Happiness is much simpler than we think. It's not the end result of a magical equation based on surviving misery and disappointment. You simply have to do the things you want to do. Identify what they are, and then make time for them. The difference between dreaming and doing is scheduling. 

For most of us, fear holds us back from pursuing authenticity and ultimately being happy. For me, there is no greater joy than helping people peel back their layers and discover what makes them sing. If you are interested in doing this sort of work, call me or email me for a free consultation, and let's talk about how therapy could help you get the happiness you want, as you define it. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203-273-5950 or email me at amanda@amandajablon.com

Amanda Jablon, MSW, ACSW, is an associate clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles, supervised by Ken Howard, LCSW, #LCS18290. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.