I once worked with a young woman in therapy named Lauren* who admitted to me that she had murdered another person while doing time in prison. Lauren grew up in an abusive household and became addicted to drugs as a teenager. At 19, she was arrested and consequently imprisoned for possession of illegal drugs. The only way for her to survive while doing time was to become part of a group that would protect her. In order to gain this protection, she quite literally had to kill or be killed. During the time I spent with Lauren I knew her to be a funny, thoughtful, and kind person. She didn’t start trouble and was incredibly sweet and compassionate to her friends. 

It took her a few tries, but Lauren eventually got clean and sober. She got a job, then sought and was granted guardianship of her younger siblings, so they wouldn’t have to endure the same abuse she did. She has organized a yearly memorial service for the past five years for her friend who died due to overdose, even though she only knew the friend for a few months while in rehab. Lauren now rescues Pit Bulls and helps to train them and re-home them, because she believes they are misunderstood animals that just need some love and a second chance. 

I ask you, what is the worst thing you’ve ever done? You most likely have never killed another person. But maybe you cheated on the person you love the most. Or perhaps you had a shoplifting habit back in middle school. Or maybe you were just semi-involved in spreading an unpleasant rumor about someone you know.

In the book Tattoo’s On The Heart, Father Greg Boyle says, “You are so much more than the worst thing you’ve ever done.” 

Isn’t that true in your life? There is not one person on this earth who does not know what it feels like to carry the weight of shame or regret. These are natural human emotions that we all experience because no one is perfect. Yet, we place unrealistic expectations onto others to never mess up in a big way, knowing that we ourselves aren’t remotely capable of the same standards. Where is the sense in this? 

This idea applies beyond people like Lauren. Look at any media source today, both Right and Left political parties are guilty of generalizing the opposing sides representatives to be either all-good or all-bad. No mistake is ever forgiven.  

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that people who commit crimes don’t deserve to be punished. By all means, people should be held responsible for their actions. However, what I am suggesting, is that we can do this while also acknowledging that a person is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done.

We live in a world today that has been conditioned to think in terms of absolutes. 

Good OR bad. Right OR wrong. Always OR never. This way of thinking, also called “dichotomous thinking,” is not only unrealistic, it is also incredibly harmful. 

I use the word “harmful” because in real life, things are not only black or white…rather, there are endless shades of grey. So when we limit ourselves to only accepting two possible outcomes in any given situation, whether that be in politics or personal relationships, we destroy the possibility of authentically connecting with others.

Even though we can intellectually acknowledge that dichotomous thinking holds us back more than it springs us forward, we continue to do it because it’s easier than the alternative. Cognitive dissonance is the name for the icky feeling we get when we have opposing views, beliefs, or values. As people, we loathe this feeling so much that we come up with rationalizations to trick ourselves into believing whatever makes us feel more comfortable.

For example, it’s a lot easier to decide that Lauren is either a good person who was put in a bad situation, or a horrible criminal, rather than acknowledging Lauren is capable of both crime and compassion. 

The reason this is so challenging for us is because as humans, we can’t help but to see ourselves in others. So to acknowledge Lauren as both good and bad means that we are confronted with acknowledging that we also possess both of these things. Essentially, it is easier and more comfortable for us to put other people in dichotomous boxes because it allows us to ignore confronting our own inner darknesses. 

Just because we may ignore the parts of ourselves that make us feel icky, does not mean they cease to exist. So when we divorce ourselves from the painful parts of our past, we increase the feelings of shame we have toward ourselves. Brene Brown says “shame breeds… fear, blame and disconnection.” This means that in order for us to move forward and become a more connected and compassionate society, we need to start by embracing our own feelings of shame and discomfort, which comes from not rejecting, but actually owning, the worst things we’ve ever done. 

When we open ourselves up to owning our shame, we gain the opportunity to let go of fear, judgement, and cruelty in replace of of curiosity, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance, and compassion - both with ourselves and with others.

Here is my challenge for you: Disconnect yourself from the cage that has been placed in your mind by pushing yourself to be uncomfortable and tolerate the shades of grey in your personal life. Maybe that means acknowledging that your ex-boyfriend was both cruel and kind, or your parents both provided for you and failed to meet some of your needs, or maybe just that the guy who cut you off on the freeway this morning is more than an unskilled driver. 

When we can be the change, and not only recognize that two opposing things can and do exist at the same time, but EXPERIENCE it first hand, we can each play an active role in creating a more compassionate, and tolerant world around us. 

We often feel out of control in our lives it is because we feel like life is happening to us, not for us. If you would like to gain greater control and find meaning in your life, please reach out to me. I am here to help. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203-273-5950 or email me at amanda@amandajablon.com.

Amanda Jablon, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.